My Healing Planet

Hi,

It often creeps up on me this insidious fear that plays tricks with my mind and my faith…I am living like I am living and then….oops…an ache…a scan…a glance in the mirror the checking my next scan appointment on the Md Anderson s secured server. Oh, yeah, all the symptoms…all I need to do is pull up Md Anderson and I taste smell and feel it. Oh, but here I am the me that is living with this disease that could shorten my life at any time. Key phrase ” at anytime” Which is not now…not this moment…not this present.

So, my reality- for those of you who get a glimpse into my weekly chemo day tweeting while I am rigged- here is the reality of my life. I am active- healthy besides the fact that I am a woman with stage four cancer on chemo weekly. I am truly doing well…the things that worry me that I live with daily:

1) How long will I be able to pay over $28,000 every  January to cover my life insurance -taxes- health insurance? Add in hotel costs every two month to Houston- oh about $1500 more a year. I  do not know.

2) How long will I be able to support myself in general? I do not know.

3) What if the worst happens…the cancer spreads- treatment  is disabling- and I cannot function? I do not know.

I guess  it is always back to the basics…I do not know anything except what is happening in this moment right now. The fear is fear…the what ifs are just that…it is not easy believe me…not easy at all staying here  right now but I realize I cannot change anything except my view and today though the sky is raining  it seems they are just preparing the soil for tomorrow so that the flowers will grow.

From my soul to yours…I am grateful for being here…I am grateful  for being healthy long enough to know my daughter and make an impact on her life. I  would hope that somehow my blogging helps others understand feelings- thoughts- and struggles of people like me.

My Tweet that I resonate with today-

I am passionate about each scar – they were passionate about me-

In Love and light-

I will update after scan results next week- until then- love to you.

Becky