My Healing Planet

It is a time for atonement and a time for acceptance-I am on a new chemo and will lose my hair again for the fourth time or fifth- I cannot even remember. I have two nodules on my left upper chest- they are  visible and for 8 months the doctor ignored them said we would just watch them-  I cannot lift my left arm over my head or swim. I suspect one of the nodules is on a nerve- it is not pleasant. They do not want to biopsy or remove them-I guess the protocol is to leave it alone unless it causes so much pain that they radiate it to shrink it. 

So reality- 

My medical bills have cleaned out my savings- and my financial situation is looking grim

I am still working and  very much enjoying what I love to do

I still feel healthy

I still look healthy

I see my daughter twice a week

My x is  hooking up and my daughter will  have another extended family ( moving in)

I have my things in order and I go in-between fear and acceptance

Chemo –  two weeks on one week off until tumors grow or change negatively. 

So what now? I am here still- I noticed that I miscalculated as well- 2012 will be   16 years since my fist diagnosis and 7 since stage four. 

So what to say to you that may bring you some sense of peace- enlightenment-comfort. There is hope-  doctors are not gods- you can impact your life in all ways- you do have the power to heal- you have the power to live- your mind and your soul has immense strength-love is all there is- our humanness is our downfall and our gift. You matter- we matter-and when we drop our flesh and bones we can still impact the greater whole. 

I am not perfect- I am not whole- I am broken- I am a human body who has a soul- my soul is everything though I am not-I am a part of my soul the part that has a hand that reaches outward and the part that hurts- that feels- that experiences all that my soul no longer can- my soul holds my being and yours lives with mine. 

I am grateful for the light- the darkness- the scars- the tears- the laughter-I am passionate about the dance-only those who are able to move with me  are floating forever in my heart- 

May I be inscribed in the book of life- May I be remembered and may you blessed with all that is  your highest good. 

May I be forgiven for all of my sins and indiscretions-may I be cleared of all that is not of you-May I be able to remain in the present with you.

Do you know what the music is saying?
“Come follow me and you will find the way.
Your mistakes can also lead you to the Truth.
When you ask, the answer will be given.”

Rumi