My Healing Planet

I have not written for a while mostly because I am not sure what to write or what the purpose is. I am still recuperating from surgery where tumors were removed  from my pectoral muscle- yes- it hurts and it brings me back to 1996 when I had my mastectomy and reconstruction. When they removed my tumors they took out my implant that I have had since 1996 they did this so that when I start radiation my implant will not cause more issues for me.

So where am I? It is mixed- I am single- the person was dating for 2 year decided that I was not long term relationship material this happened two days before Thanksgiving and I took myself to the beach to be with nature and regroup and  put my energies into fighting my cancer. When I returned from the beach my tumors had shrunk significantly but I still needed surgery as they were impacting my mobility in my left arm and caused pain. I am facing my own demons right now mostly those around my choices in life and why I  repeat myself and when and where did I start compromising my happiness and my heart. I am not sure when this happened but I am sure it is related to the 16 year fight to stay on this planet as well as everything that it takes to make that happen. I try very hard to not wear my cancer on my sleeve and on the outside but sometimes it is difficult especially in relationships as I know it is exhausting to deal with day in and day out. It is like the movie ground hog day but you are the one waking up every day dealing with the feelings- fears-around being ill. I have had to fight for myself with all of the healthcare organizations as well as dictate my treatment in some instances- had I not I assure  you MD Anderson and others would have  cut my life short drastically. The healthcare system creates a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness and financial burden and  is not something any of us like me will ever recover from. I work- I have insurance but even then the system has drained my resources in more than one way.

Mental health? I  do my best to stay as focused in this moment right now as I can- I realize I could snap if I lived in the place where I am feeling this 24/7- I only need to feel it now. I realize that being in my inner circle is not easy- I realize I need to be active in my life in my health- in my mental health- in my spiritual life-and in helping others or I will back slide. The Holidays make  it even more intense but I am blessed to have a group of  people who love me  and are present for me and some have been the entire 16 years. I am grateful for that and for their generosity and their love.

I start radiation after the Holidays- it scares me and I worry how my life will be impacted by this but I have no options but to walk into it like everything else with my head held high and with the belief that I can do this.

We the people who are living with stage four cancer are an anomaly and we need to be heard- there is a growing number like us out there and we may look healthy may  appear ok and we may be just putting one foot in front of the other because we know no other way. We live to survive and I want to  live to live- I want to have a dream again-I want to know what that feels like. I pray for all of us and all of you who support us that we will find a better way to walk together in life and in love in 2012.

Let the power of our love binds us- keep us- protect and comfort us all ways-

 From the beginning of my life, I have been looking for your face,
but today, I’ve seen it.
Today I have seen the charm, the beauty, the unfathomable
grace of the face that I was looking for.
Rumi

Happy Holidays.

Becky