My Healing Planet

 Happy New Year-

I am back from  my New Years trip to the Bahamas I needed to be by the ocean and have my toes in the water and in order to let the salty tears flow. I struggle these days to experience the love of friends and family. I struggle  to hold on to hope that my life has a tomorrow and that I have some sort of a future- being present is not always  easy for me I do what I can  because if I don’t I am overwhelmed by the reality of my life- I feel like I have no right to express any pain hurt or negativity at my life and that I should count my blessings because I am still here. The fact is I am confused- I am sad and hurt and in pain- I do not feel like I am the package any longer and that my status is a deal breaker- I know relationships are not all that but imagine that having one is not an option- that sometimes is a deal breaker for me. I have friends whose words of love do not match their actions- I feel like a  need a tune up- and then I realize oh yeah- I start radiation next week- I will get a tune up then. Sorry to be a bummer it is not always easy to be the glowing vision of clarity and light and I am not always feeling that side and lately not so much. My heart is still healing and in pain from the recent break up before the Holidays- I now accept people treating me like I am  less than important something I would never have accepted before- it seems I am settling for negative attention  and I  blame you cancer for bringing me to this place- for beating me down- breaking my spirit- chasing people away out of my fear for dying on them. I blame myself for not being able to be here in this place right now and  to not feel this pain- this reality- yes- in 11 days I will be 16 years since my diagnosis and 7  with stage four cancer- am I blessed? I am here- is that a blessing? Is living with cancer day after day realizing  the only people  who get it are dying- is that truly living? Sure I travel- I work every day- I have my daughter- I have lovely friends- I am aware- and capable- and I am walking every day in my own skin towards what I can only hope is a more pleasant place-

2012- I pray I am able to work through my own humanness to  be more present- to be aware of  my blessings and lessons to embrace them-

To everyone suffering I feel you- I hear you- I get it-

Love all ways-

B