My Healing Planet

It has been a time- it has been a lifetime and I am still breathing in the breath of light from your soul. I am now 16 and a half years since my first diagnosis and 7 and a half since diagnosed with Stage four cancer. I spent the first three months of this year recovering from my surgery where tumors were removed from my left pectoral area, 43 radiations and a broken heart-all are mending, mostly my physical body “ my heart still has longings that my soul remembers”- Ha- I tweeted that one a while ago- it still resonates with me.

I am on Tomoxifen daily and Eurbulin two out of three weeks and my CEA markers are still lower than they have been in years. I have not had scans since Thanksgiving the longest stretch for about 3 years- I am a bit unnerved and a part of me does not want to know. My mortality just keeps playing games and I am not into spending time with trivial things or conversations. I spend lots of time alone and I quite enjoy that it gets my creative juices going.

I am still disgusted with healthcare and upset at the games that are being played on human beings- I was not treated properly- I mandated surgery and asked for a new medicine and I had to fight to be heard- not just once but many times over the years. It is dis heartening to hear attorneys say that I’d have a good case if I was not stage 4 cancer and stage 4 means you are dying and a bad risk. I am serious-ARA and other Oncology Systems in Austin could have killed me if I did not have the where with all to demand different tests and medicine and surgery. “it’s not protocol” We’re sorry we obviously need to do some training and work on our systems.” Well, I am here to tell you silly people- I am still breathing. Shame on you. For the record I am an individual and cannot and should not be treated like a study. Shame on you- MD Anderson- ARA- and I will not name the Austin oncology system that I am now in.

I am a stage four breast cancer WARRIOR- I am not a survivor because it is not over- it will never be over- it is a battle- it is a war- and you need to wake up and see that we do not need to die anymore- we can live.

I am Becky and I am a warrior that is fighting for my life- please help those next to you to be heard- no one knows how to cure us but they can help to keep us going- do not believe that your cancer is gone- demand tests- demand scans-demand options- it is your right- it is your life.

Help us to keep breathing-

Peace-
Becky

I found you today but when I touched your shell you crumbled like sand in between my tears

You are the tide and I am the  depths that move you

Hi,

I am finished with my 43 rounds of radiation and it was not a cake walk but I came out  of the other side intact and  as usual I am healing very well. I am in a  very odd but calm place  right now in my world and life. I am struggling financially due to the huge medical  bills and taxes that I had in 2011 in short things are tight but hopefully manageable. I am a single person  so my load is my own and sometimes when I wonder how I am making it I say it is because there are two choices- to keep working and trying to make it as long as possible  or give up and die. I am not ready to die- as you can see- here I am.

I am thinking about forgiveness quite a bit lately perhaps it is because I have people in my life who believe I did  some unforgivable things in my past and or maybe because they believe I am a person  who does not deserve forgiveness I am not sure. I watched my mother die without 6 of her children by her side did she do unforgivable things? Perhaps as a mother she did but my perspective is that she was my mother and deserved dignity at her death and I believe in forgiveness. In helping her die I forgave her and thus I feel resolved in her life and death.

 I seem to be capable of  forgiving the unforgivable and it is interesting how people judge me for that and condemn me for that. I am human after all and I make mistakes and sometimes my actions are miss interpreted  and sometimes I am not aware of how I impact others sometimes I just fall short.  I am a sensitive person so the bad news for me is when I am shamed by others and allow that energy in then I shame myself ten times more. I am a good honest reliable kind person and I am confident in  my ethics and character but  people’s opinions impact me more now than in years past. Why? I think being a sick person and particularly in my situation my soul is not hidden so it takes a hit I have less defensive layers than others do. I am vulnerable and choose to remain that way as I see no other way to be in order to keep my stress and my feelings in check.

I know it has been 7 years so far of living with cancer- should you feel sorry for me? I think not- should you treat me differently? I think not. Do I deserve a dream and a future like you- yes- I do. Do I have one? I am unsure as it remains to be visible to me- I am forced to truly live one day at a time unlike you I do not have the layers of denial about my mortality. It is what it is- it is my path and I am walking it as openly as I can with my chest out and  arms and heart open.

So, I forgive you for all of your short comings- your humanness- your actions be  intentional or not- I forgive you all of you. I forgive myself for my expectations  of you-  for any actions perceived or not that caused anyone pain or harm.

I want to live until I die.

In parting  I leave  you with Rumi-

Not until faithfulness turns to betrayal and betrayal into trust can any human being be a part of the truth- Rumi

I can say- I have experienced both-

Blessings-

Becky