My Healing Planet

 Happy New Year-

I am back from  my New Years trip to the Bahamas I needed to be by the ocean and have my toes in the water and in order to let the salty tears flow. I struggle these days to experience the love of friends and family. I struggle  to hold on to hope that my life has a tomorrow and that I have some sort of a future- being present is not always  easy for me I do what I can  because if I don’t I am overwhelmed by the reality of my life- I feel like I have no right to express any pain hurt or negativity at my life and that I should count my blessings because I am still here. The fact is I am confused- I am sad and hurt and in pain- I do not feel like I am the package any longer and that my status is a deal breaker- I know relationships are not all that but imagine that having one is not an option- that sometimes is a deal breaker for me. I have friends whose words of love do not match their actions- I feel like a  need a tune up- and then I realize oh yeah- I start radiation next week- I will get a tune up then. Sorry to be a bummer it is not always easy to be the glowing vision of clarity and light and I am not always feeling that side and lately not so much. My heart is still healing and in pain from the recent break up before the Holidays- I now accept people treating me like I am  less than important something I would never have accepted before- it seems I am settling for negative attention  and I  blame you cancer for bringing me to this place- for beating me down- breaking my spirit- chasing people away out of my fear for dying on them. I blame myself for not being able to be here in this place right now and  to not feel this pain- this reality- yes- in 11 days I will be 16 years since my diagnosis and 7  with stage four cancer- am I blessed? I am here- is that a blessing? Is living with cancer day after day realizing  the only people  who get it are dying- is that truly living? Sure I travel- I work every day- I have my daughter- I have lovely friends- I am aware- and capable- and I am walking every day in my own skin towards what I can only hope is a more pleasant place-

2012- I pray I am able to work through my own humanness to  be more present- to be aware of  my blessings and lessons to embrace them-

To everyone suffering I feel you- I hear you- I get it-

Love all ways-

B

I have not written for a while mostly because I am not sure what to write or what the purpose is. I am still recuperating from surgery where tumors were removed  from my pectoral muscle- yes- it hurts and it brings me back to 1996 when I had my mastectomy and reconstruction. When they removed my tumors they took out my implant that I have had since 1996 they did this so that when I start radiation my implant will not cause more issues for me.

So where am I? It is mixed- I am single- the person was dating for 2 year decided that I was not long term relationship material this happened two days before Thanksgiving and I took myself to the beach to be with nature and regroup and  put my energies into fighting my cancer. When I returned from the beach my tumors had shrunk significantly but I still needed surgery as they were impacting my mobility in my left arm and caused pain. I am facing my own demons right now mostly those around my choices in life and why I  repeat myself and when and where did I start compromising my happiness and my heart. I am not sure when this happened but I am sure it is related to the 16 year fight to stay on this planet as well as everything that it takes to make that happen. I try very hard to not wear my cancer on my sleeve and on the outside but sometimes it is difficult especially in relationships as I know it is exhausting to deal with day in and day out. It is like the movie ground hog day but you are the one waking up every day dealing with the feelings- fears-around being ill. I have had to fight for myself with all of the healthcare organizations as well as dictate my treatment in some instances- had I not I assure  you MD Anderson and others would have  cut my life short drastically. The healthcare system creates a cycle of helplessness and hopelessness and financial burden and  is not something any of us like me will ever recover from. I work- I have insurance but even then the system has drained my resources in more than one way.

Mental health? I  do my best to stay as focused in this moment right now as I can- I realize I could snap if I lived in the place where I am feeling this 24/7- I only need to feel it now. I realize that being in my inner circle is not easy- I realize I need to be active in my life in my health- in my mental health- in my spiritual life-and in helping others or I will back slide. The Holidays make  it even more intense but I am blessed to have a group of  people who love me  and are present for me and some have been the entire 16 years. I am grateful for that and for their generosity and their love.

I start radiation after the Holidays- it scares me and I worry how my life will be impacted by this but I have no options but to walk into it like everything else with my head held high and with the belief that I can do this.

We the people who are living with stage four cancer are an anomaly and we need to be heard- there is a growing number like us out there and we may look healthy may  appear ok and we may be just putting one foot in front of the other because we know no other way. We live to survive and I want to  live to live- I want to have a dream again-I want to know what that feels like. I pray for all of us and all of you who support us that we will find a better way to walk together in life and in love in 2012.

Let the power of our love binds us- keep us- protect and comfort us all ways-

 From the beginning of my life, I have been looking for your face,
but today, I’ve seen it.
Today I have seen the charm, the beauty, the unfathomable
grace of the face that I was looking for.
Rumi

Happy Holidays.

Becky